On The Memorial Trail

Two memorial services in two days. Consecutive tear evoking emotional roller-coasters that couldn’t have been more different from one day to the next. And yet at their base level they were the same. The cast of our human dramas had changed, the names on the marquee were different, the size and scope of the production were polar opposites, and the lines for the key roles were scripted with different pens. But at the end of each day we’d bid farewell to a friend, parent, sibling, and spouse and the aches in our hearts were all too similar.

Friday, April 1, 2016 Betty M. Horst was laid to rest at the Eternal Valley Memorial Park in Newhall, California, nine short days after her passing on March 23, 2016. Betty is my sister Stacey’s mother-in-law, a relatively recent addition to our extended family with the late summer wedding for my sister and her husband and friend Glen. (I refuse to think we are in the fall season of our lives) About 30 or so gathered in the Chapel of The Oaks at the mortuary. There are a couple of 36” flat screens mounted on the wall just above the chancel, big enough for anyone seated at the back pews to see clearly as the photo montage of Betty’s life rolled throughout the service from black and white portraits through the family shots with Glen as a little boy in suspendered pants and then as a young man with black mustache while wearing Magnum style shorts and finally shots of Betty at various events.

The program for Betty’s service in front of me is a classic “In Loving Memory” style with a photo on the front and historical dates under Betty’s photo. There are a few key photos inside the heavy stock paper document with the 23^rd Psalm printed on the facing page while on the back is more historical data. There was no agenda other than to read the Psalm and talk a little about the woman we knew.

Stacey’s grief was palpable while Glen held himself in check with a key role to play in the service. This was the memorial service for a member of our parent’s generation and was all the more real to us with the struggles of our dad and my wife’s mother ongoing. As folks arrived they came to pay respects to Glen, Stacey, and Gene, Betty’s husband of 65 years. Tears flowed and hugs were exchanged while some words just couldn’t be expressed.

The itinerant pastor took the dais after the mortuary representative welcomed us and thanked us for attending. Itinerant Pastor is my best description for him. He was next in line from Eternal Valley’s call list who spent all of fifteen minutes with the family in preparation for the service. He read the Psalm and spiced his oration, largely about his own experiences, with seeds of hope for those Betty had left behind.

Glen presented his mother to us with words from an aching heart at the loss of his mom. He was eloquent without being flowery. He was honest and direct about how she lived, what her passions and prides were, and what she means to him. When he faltered he gracefully gathered himself to the task and let us come to know Betty M. Horst all the more deeply. Glen provided all we need to hold the memory of Betty close to our hearts as we pray for peace for Glen, Stacey, Gene, and the rest of the family and friends.

After the service each of the attendees made their way over to gather in the courtyard of a Mexican restaurant for appetizers and soda. Cindy, three of Stacey’s kids, Kaylynn, Brad, and Jeff, and I took a table inside and had our own family time when the courtyard setup was overrun. We made a place for Stacey to get a break from it all to join us from time to time. A little Mexican restaurant was where the celebration of life took place and that was all right with us.

On April 2, 2016 I met seven other motorcycle riders at a Shell station in La Canada to ride out to the Centerpoint Church in Murrieta, CA. We picked up a ninth rider along the way and took a businesslike trip down the freeways to join up with another 60 or so bikes in the parking lot. It was a destination ride to celebrate and memorialize our friend and fellow rider, Joe V. Ramos, who had lost his battle with cancer. Cancer sucks.

Joe V. Ramos was taken on February 18, 2016, over 50 days before. Joe was a former California State Park Ranger and a motorcycle enthusiast. I met and rode with Joe and Karen, his wife, on one ride. That’s it, one ride. I wish it had been more. I was touched by Joe through the Facebook posts I saw scrolling through as he battled cancer and finally succumbed. The best that I can explain it is that I was moved by God’s Spirit to write a memorial post to Joe from and with our mutual friends (http://ironsideup.blogspot.com/2016/02/tribute-to-joe-ramos-dear-joe.html).

Centerpoint is a cavernous meeting hall with stackable chairs for several hundred. A 30 foot screen is mounted center stage with two 8 foot screens to either side, both are conservative estimates. The program of Joe’s service is printed on magazine quality paper with his State Parks photo on the cover and a Sunrise of 6/3/1959 and a Sunset of 2/18/2016. This is a man in the early part of my own generation, a peer, if I could be called that. A history of “Team Green” is printed on the inside cover with a photo of Karen and Joe riding off and a photo of Karen, Joe, and his two kids, Amanda and Joe. The contrast to Betty’s service shows up on the agenda. There was meaningful music to Joe and a thorough Eulogy from long-time friend Ken Roybal who Emceed the service that included special guest speakers and presentations from the California State Park Rangers that included a flag which had flown over parks where Joe had loved and served as a Park Ranger. There was a Proclamation from the California State Senate and plaques with various insignia from the State Parks and four riders’ groups; The Inland Empire Rolling Thunder Motorcycle Club, The Lost Coast Victory Motorcycle Club, The Southern California Victory Riders, and the Southern San Joaquin Victory Riders Motorcycle Club. I think I mentioned that Joe loved riding and loved riding with Karen.

The service was wrapped up with an open microphone with heartfelt comments from Karen and the two kids who all did a wonderful job of sharing Joe with us. Several friends took the mic and shared stories of Joe. The open mic was followed by a video tribute, closing comments, and an excellent prayer by Kevin Shaw.

We adjourned to ride and eat, two of Joe’s favorite things. We rode in a stately group of seventy bikes or more, complete with blockers and sweeps and a lighted State Parks vehicle. It was a tightly packed and well ridden tribute to Joe and his rider’s legacy. Dale Moews had the honor of riding Joe’s Anti-Freeze Green Victory Cross Country. Dale was as profoundly affected by Joe’s life and death as anyone I met throughout the day. Peace Dale.

We gathered at Ken Roybal’s place in Lake Mathews in the Perris area at the end of our 65 mile ride. We had food and the fellowship of riders and family, two distinctions that blur during our times together.

What draws us to memorial services? I can think of four things and many times our attendance is a combination of the first three. We attend because we are there to honor and celebrate the life now gone by, we go to be a comfort to the family and close friends of the deceased, we go to be comforted, and in the end, we go because we’ve lived a life worth remembering and are the one being celebrated.

Still, why do we have a need to memorialize and remember? I believe it is because we have a deep need to be connected to people, someone special to us. And because of that deep need, once we’ve found someone, we realize that it is difficult to let go without wrapping up our memories with other friends and family members.

As a Christian I have what I’m sure some people, even other Christians, would think of as an odd take on this. It was during that somber 65-mile ride that I considered what Jesus felt about the need to be connected. Did He have it? Yes He did. While it was paramount for Jesus to be connected to the Father, he surrounded himself with close friends, 12 disciples, his mother Mary, Mary and Martha along with their brother Lazarus for whom Jesus wept (John 11:35).

His need was so deep that Jesus took several of his closest disciples with him to pray during the darkest hours of his ministry on earth. He was disappointed when they could not remain awake with him as he faced the final hours of his earthly ministry, his betrayal at the hands of someone he loved, his trial, beating, and crucifixion. The Sacrifice that he made gives us hope as we remember those we love and have lost at their final day with us.

So, for the facts that Jesus wept for a friend, remembered them fondly as they passed on, and made the ultimate sacrifice for us, I say we should memorialize to our hearts content and remember Joe and Betty for the lives they lived, for the love they gave, and that we hold on to them in our hearts to live our lives knowing the difference they made to us.

Keep the iron side up, ride with passion, live with integrity, love like no one does it better… Peace

jerry